How to talk to someone about their gambling

Are you worried about a family member, partner, friend, or colleague’s gambling?

If you’re concerned about someone else’s gambling, talking to them about it can be a helpful approach. But where do you start with what can be a sensitive topic?

Getting ready to talk

Where

Choose a safe, comfortable place to speak. You might want to choose a neutral place so they know they can leave if they’d like to. A busy, public place where you can still have a private chat might be ideal. This might be a park, a café, or going for a walk together.
When

Pick a time when neither of you will be rushed, distracted, or too tired. It’s best to have this conversation when neither of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. It’s also ideal to pick a time when both of you are feeling emotionally positive or neutral. Important conversations and decisions should be avoided when emotions are high or when either party is feeling negatively.
How

h
- Gently
- Without arguing
- Without judgment
- With ears open to listening
- With a mind open to understanding
- With consideration of their perspective and their experiences
Maintain

h
- A gentle, neutral tone
- A soft speaking volume
- Minimal hand gestures
- Neutral facial expressions and reactions

Start on a positive note

A warm, positive opening can ease you both into more difficult topics, and can reassure them about your intentions:

Tell the person that they’re important to you and you care about them
Reassure them that you’re there for them and you want to help
Highlight their strengths and the things you value about them

If you’re uncomfortable about having this conversation, mention this. They may also feel uncomfortable. Acknowledging the awkwardness can help you overcome it together. Choosing to have this talk despite your discomfort shows that you really care.

Use “I” statements

Starting sentences with “I…” instead of “You…” can reduce feelings of blame or accusations.

Using “I” statements can also help reinforce that you want to play a role in helping the other person overcome their gambling harm.
Tell them what you’ve noticed about their gambling and how you see it impacting them.

You might want to say something like:

“I feel that gambling is affecting our relationship.”
“I’m worried about the way gambling is affecting other areas of your life.”
“I notice you’re spending a lot of time on betting apps. I’m worried that betting is impacting your mental
health and making you anxious and stressed.”

The L.U.V. (Listen, Understand, and Validate) Method

Listen

Ask the person for their perspective. Give them time to speak. Try to listen without interrupting, arguing, or correcting them – these interjections can shut the conversation down.
Understand

It’s common for people to feel ashamed about their gambling, so they may feel uncomfortable speaking about it.

Gambling is a complex issue. Many things can cause gambling, and it’s easier than it seems to develop a bad relationship to gambling. It can happen to anyone.

Try not to judge, as this may alienate them and cause them to pull away from you. Consider their perspective and their experiences. As the saying goes, put yourself in their shoes. Having empathy for your loved one’s situation can make a huge difference.
Validate

Let them know their feelings are valid. Remind them you’re there for them and they aren’t alone. Reassure them that you care and that you want to help.

If they're not ready to change

What if the person doesn’t want to change their gambling?

When you talk to a loved one about their gambling harm, their response may be one of relief or gratitude. Or, they may have a less open response.

They may not want to talk, or they may become angry or defensive. They might deny, minimise, or justify their gambling. They may blame others for their gambling.

If they don’t want to talk about gambling, or they’re not ready to make a change:

Continue to watch out for signs of gambling harm
Remind them you’re there for them if and when they want to talk about it
Try to keep communication open, and check in regularly

There are a lot of feelings you might be having about this person’s gambling. Support is available for you, too.

Safety

Talking about difficult topics like gambling may bring up concerns about your safety. If the conversation turns violent:

If you need immediate help, call the emergency services on 000
The National Domestic, Family, and Sexual Violence Counselling Service offers 24/7 information and support at 1800 737 732

Seeking help for you

If someone else’s gambling is impacting you, free help is available. Gambling Help supports family members, partners, friends, and anyone affected by someone else’s gambling harm.